Tuesday, March 6, 2012

trains of thoughts crashing....

It's hard to stay focus when you go through a month of bliss; friendships that deepen into levels that I can't explain but knowing all awhile that what is needed is just that: a friendship in times of hurt, one to be there for you, to hear you out, to really follow through to what is being said. 

In this season of life, that is my self imposed prescription: friends.  Friends who do not judge, friends to have no selfish intentions, friends of no romantic interests, pure and simple friends.  I failed.  I FAILED in this.  I became friends with a special someone, we connected on a deep level but I failed because my actions were not correlating to my words.  I failed because I slowly opened up my heart to show the pain I have been in, and became more physical with my friend than appropriate.  See, I enjoyed the warm of his embrace, the comfort of his hugs, the security that he desprately wanted to offer me.  I became aware of how I've lead him on and on the road to correct that issue is where I was heading.  That's where it all came crashing down.  He was falling for me hard and I knew that I was not the one for him.  Yes, I broke his heart.  Yes, I truely value him as a friend and the person he is.  Yes, it was selfish of me to want to be in his embrace, his arms, to just be around him.  I failed at his friendship, as a person who should have respected his emotions.  A little too late. 

There are no words to excuse my actions.  I am sorry for putting him and my friends through this emotional turmoil.  I hope in time, altho my character and intergrity has been deeply slashed, that he could forgive me for leading him on the way I have.  I'm not making excuses, just voicing out my frustrations. 

Lesson learned: How are my actions dipicting the person I truely want to be?  Am I being and acting more like Christ in my thoughts and what I do? 

Lord, Im sorry for the hurt I've caused, I can not say I'm sorry enough for my actions and how I've been around others.  Forgive me for wanting to be wanted, forgive me for wanting to want to run into another man's arms instead of your embrace, forgive me for not focusing on you.  Only because of you I can find joy that I get to hide my face in your glory, you are the one to redeem broken bonds, and mend harden hearts.  <3

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